TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically noted for ancient tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be remarkable. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed from the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Many of the most effective. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely outside of spot. Intended by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour till the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But Indeed, positive, let's have A different position the place American Gentlemen can don robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though previous negotiations failed underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: offer you Everybody a collection on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is Trump Tower Damascus smooth electric power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he should cease making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the venture, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Good tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a feature remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits just after locating the making's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It can be not merely hideous. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Confusing Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where by friends may contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They are going to Come"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where by's the nearest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is presently attracting focus from Intercontinental buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount may even involve:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to view a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort wherever my PTSD might have turn-down services."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports propose:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Closing Thoughts from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It required gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped much like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."

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